“Whatever For (Ever)”

Her name was Jessica and she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had a perfect oval-shaped face, beautiful eyes that twinkled like stars in the night sky, long and brown straight hair, a slim body and beautiful legs. She was everything my dream girl had been.
Fate must have brought us together. I was walking along a corridor and saw her coming my way. She was looking through a stack of papers, searching for something and she wasn’t looking at where she was going. I should have stepped aside but I didn’t and so, we almost knocked each other over.
“I’m so sorry,” I helped her pick up the papers that she had dropped.
“It’s alright. I’m fine.” Her smile took my breath away.
Since then, I could not stop thinking about her. I did not manage to introduce myself though. Whenever we saw each other at school, I would smile at her but she would look away so I thought she was the shy type of girl. Either that or she was not the friendly type.
A week after my accident with her, she came to the Co-Curricular Activities Orientation. When the students were roaming around the booths, I saw her. She was there to select her CCA. I saw her sign up at my CCA booth. That was how I knew her name was Jessica. Nothing could compare with the euphoria I felt when I realized that she was joining my CCA.
I was one of the judges auditioning the new recruits. My CCA was called ‘Photography Club’. Heaven must have been on my side because Jessica was assigned to me for auditioning. My heart was skipping wildly as I handed her the camera to take pictures with. She listened attentively as I explained the criteria for the audition.
“How long have you been in this club?” Jessica asked as she positioned herself to take a picture of a tree.
“This is my third year.” I answered.
“What’s your name?” Jessica asked again, this time the camera was directed at me. I covered the lens of the camera.
“Don’t. I’m Michael.” I took out a pen and began writing comments on Jessica’s recruiting paper while she went off to take more pictures pertaining to the criteria. That was the end of our conversation.
I had been wrong about Jessica being unfriendly. She was a very cheerful person and though she was shy, she got along pretty well with me, for a girl befriending a boy. When she made it into the club, she made friends quickly with the members, those of her age and those younger.
During meetings, Jessica sat next to me. I wasn’t sure if it was because she liked my company or because she had no one to sit with. But as the months go by, I became closer to Jessica and eventually, I fell even more in love with her. I always tried to make her laugh by telling her lame jokes. I loved to hear her laugh. It brings my heart absolute happiness. When we had photography duties, Jessica would always choose to pair with me.
Although we were close, telephoning each other everyday and instant messaging each other for every hour of the day, I doubted that she could ever like me. I was your average kind of guy, not too handsome but not too ugly either. Girls do not come running to me neither do they melt at the sight of me. My friends used to complain that I wear my pants too high and they always encouraged me to tuck out my blouse. I wear spectacles and my hair is always slick and neat, not the way good-looking boys would style their hair. I was a grade A class nerd.
Indeed, it turned out that I had been right about Jessica not liking me. I saw her hanging around a particular guy, who was very good-looking. His name was James and he was one of the most popular guys in school. He should count himself lucky for being admired by such a beautiful person. As the days went by, I watched Jessica starting to fall in love with James.
During a meeting one afternoon, Jessica was sitting alone with me in the computer lab. We were looking out of the window as we had nothing to do and she suddenly turned to me.
“Michael, do you know what it feels like to be in love?” Jessica asked.
“No. I don’t think so.” I lied.
“Well, there is this one guy, James. I think I’m in love with him. But I don’t know if he likes me.” Jessica blushed.
“Do you want to go out with…him?” I asked.
“Well, kind of. I don’t know.” Jessica shrugged and looked away. I knew what she wanted. She wanted me to ask James to ask her out. I didn’t want her to go out with James. I wanted her to be mine. But I didn’t want her to be unhappy. I could see how much she wanted to go out with James. In the end, I relented.
James stared at me as I walked towards him. Jessica was not around him, which was a pretty lucky thing. We were at a deserted corridor. Earlier that day, I had slipped him a message, saying that I had something important to tell him.
“What do you want?” James asked. He sure was cocky, just because he had such good looks.
“I just want to ask if you like Jessica.” I said firmly.
“What has it got to do with you?” James snapped rudely.
“Everything!” I snapped back. James looked surprised. “She likes you. I like her. And I’m asking you now to ask her out. Make her happy.”
“You’re giving her to me or something?” Now, he was really surprised.
“I would do anything to make her happy. Please don’t tell her that.” And with that, I walked away.
The next time I saw Jessica, she looked really happy. Whenever James was with her, he always had an arm wrapped around her shoulder. I kept wishing that I was the one in his place but I do not regret surrendering Jessica to him. James always released Jessica from his arms when he saw me passing by. He probably did not want to offend me.
I got wind that they were officially a couple. My best friend, Seymour, knew about my feelings for her. He said I was stupid to have let Jessica go. He also told me that James was not what I thought he was.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“He does not stick to one girl, Mike. I‘ve heard many tales about him. And none of them sounds good at all.” Seymour said, his face was serious and I could tell that he was not joking. Seymour would never joke about something this serious.
“It’s okay. If he hurts her, he’ll receive a punch from me.” I promised.
A few weeks later, I bumped into Jessica near the girl’s changing room. Her eyes were red and she looked a complete mess. I had never seen her cry before.
“What‘s wrong?” I asked but she turned away from me.
“You shouldn’t have done what you did!” She screamed at me. I was slightly taken aback.
“What?”
“You told James to ask me out. You told him to go steady with me.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks. “I’ve never asked you to do anything for me. But why did you do that?”
“I just wanted you to be happy.”
“Do I look happy now? He never liked me! He just had to follow your stupid orders!” Jessica gave me a hard punch at my chest and ran away from me.
I stood at where I was and watched as Jessica ran, her long hair flowing behind her. I must have stood where I was, with a shocked expression on my face, for a pretty long time because James was shaking my shoulder when I finally realized where I was.
“Hey, have you seen Jess?” He asked worriedly.
“She was just here earlier. Why did you tell her that I asked you to ask her out?” I demanded.
“I did not!” Then James’s face changed. “Oh no!”
“What?!” I was already annoyed with him. He caused me to lose Jessica.
“She must have overheard my friends talking. I told my friends about what you told me.” James was starting to panic.
“Why did you do that, you idiot?!” I yelled.
“Watch the language!” James pulled the collar of my blouse. “I know you like her. I want to tell you that I like her too. And I won’t let her get hurt.”
“That’s good to hear.” I mumbled. I wondered if that was a pretense. James released me and started to walk away. But he stopped halfway.
“And I want you to know that I won’t let you have her.” James laughed and walked off. Great, now I have a rival.
For a week, Jessica didn’t speak to me. That was just fine with me. She had a right to be angry after all. I shouldn’t have interfered with her affairs. I should have minded my own business. Each time Jessica and I happened to pass by each other, I would smile but she would turn away from me.
I heard from Seymour that James and Jessica had patched up. James must have explained everything to her and brought the situation to light because when Jessica saw me, she looked like she wanted to smile at me. But she never said a word of apology.
I was alone in my classroom one rainy day because I was on duty to clean the classroom. I was erasing the whiteboard when I felt something rest on my back. I turned slowly and was shocked to see Jessica drenched. She looked up at me and I realized that she was crying.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. Jessica hugged me and cried in my arms. “Hey, don’t cry.”
“I should have listened to Seymour.” She sobbed. I was confused.
“Seymour?” I frowned. “What did he do? Did he hurt you?”
“No,” Jessica continued crying. I made her sit on a nearby chair and squatted in front of her. “Seymour told me about James. And he’s right.”
“No, he’s not. He’s never right.” I shook her gently by the shoulders. “Listen to me. James told me he liked you. He’s serious and I know it.”
“If Seymour’s not right, then why did I catch James out with a girl on Saturday night?” Jessica buried her face into her hands. I raised an eyebrow.
“He was?” It was impossible. Why did James say that he liked Jessica that day then? “Okay, and what did you do?
“I didn’t do anything. I just watched him kiss the girl. Before this, he told me that he loved me. And then he did this.” It hurt me deeply to watch Jessica cry. Except that, there was nothing I could do to comfort her. She just kept crying. It broke my heart to know that her heart was breaking. And it all started because of me. I let Jessica cry for a few minutes more.
“I’m sorry.” I said finally. Jessica looked up and stared at me.
“Why apologize when you’re not wrong?” She snapped.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I turned away from her and fixed my gaze at the teachers table at the far corner of the classroom. Jessica wiped her tears away and shook my shoulders.
“I’m sorry about the other day. I realized that you’re the best friend I could ever have. I’m sorry about the punch.” Jessica rubbed my chest where she had hit me. I chuckled.
“You’re strong, for a girl.” My heart leaped when I saw her smile. All of a sudden, she reached out and hugged me. I was surprised; it was the second time in the day that she hugged me. Her clothes felt wet against my own dry clothes.
“Thank you, Mike. For everything.” She whispered.
“Whatever for? I didn’t do anything.” I shrugged.
Since that day, I kept close to Jessica. We had lunch together everyday. She would always laugh cheerfully at my jokes but I know that deep inside, she was really hurting. She kept thanking me for being her friend. But she doesn’t know that I don’t want to be her friend. I want to be her boyfriend. And I want her to be mine. Truly mine.
I decided to try changing my appearance. I lowered my pants until my waist and tucked out my blouse. I substituted my spectacles with contact lenses and parted my hair from the left side. I made the front of my hair point upwards and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I had to admit that I looked good. My friends congratulated me on my new look, especially Seymour.
“Wow, Michael. You look good.” Seymour said, giving me a pat on the back.
“Thanks.”
“You could go to the gym and work out to get some muscles.”
“That is unlikely.” I snorted. But I felt good inside. Jessica was impressed with my new look. She called me a hunk.
A month later, Jessica came running to me when I was on my way out of school. She had an excited look on her face. In addition to that, she was holding a shiny object in her hands. She hugged me excitedly before I could even ask what had made her so excited. When she finally let go of me, she showed me the object in her hands. It was a silver bracelet with the initials J and J. I glanced up at her. She was smiling so happily.
“What’s this?” I asked, trying to figure out what the initials meant.
“This is from James. He apologized, then he gave me this.” Jessica replied. I couldn’t hide the surprise and disappointment from my face but I guessed she was too happy to even notice. ”Isn’t it lovely?”
“Yeah. You’re back together?” I asked, even though it was obvious that they were back.
“Yeah.” Jessica jumped and hugged my arm.
“That’s…great!” I tried to sound enthusiastic.
“Thank you, Mike. Thank you for everything.” Jessica hugged my arm tighter.
“Whatever for? I didn’t do anything.” I sighed. “You’re like a little sister to me. I’ll help you when you need help.” That was a lie. She wasn’t like a sister to me. She was the person I love. My one true love. It was a sad thing that she doesn’t know. I held back the tears that were threatening to fall. I am a man. She is my lady. I am definitely not going to shed a tear in front of her.
Since then, I stayed as far away as I could from Jessica. She was happy and I didn’t want to spoil her happiness. I concentrated on my studies. I was a straight As student. I would never let a girl distract my concentration in my studies. I did very well for the mid year examinations and proved to myself that I didn’t need a girl to survive.
Jessica grew more and more beautiful each day and her face always shone with radiance everyday. James must have repented, seeing how he almost lost her to me. I was wrong though. It was towards the end of the school holidays when Jessica turned up at the doorstep of my house while I was alone at home. She looked pale and tears were slowly running down her cheeks.
“Michael…” She whispered before she collapsed. I managed to catch her before she could hit the ground. I carried her into the house and laid her on the living room sofa. I fetched a glass of water and laid it on the coffee table. I sat beside Jessica, admiring her beautiful sleeping face.
When she awoke, she couldn’t remember where she was. She stared at me with a bewildered expression on her face.
“What are you doing here, Michael?” She asked, sitting up.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? Tell me, what happened?” I handed Jessica the glass of water.
“I don’t know. Michael, I just want to kill myself.” Jessica gulped down the water and sank back against the sofa. I sat next to her. “I haven’t eaten today.”
“What? Tell me what happened. Is it James?” I offered her a cookie but she refused to take it.
“The girl he was out with last night bumped into me at the grocery store today. She stared at me and then jumped. Then she exclaimed, ’You must be James’s little sister!’ I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. Then she went on saying how she saw my photograph in James’s wallet. And she went on and said, ‘Your brother’s one hot guy!’ Then she giggled.” Jessica’s eyes were brimming with tears. “I can’t believe he did this to me. He lied and said that he was studying. But he was actually out, two-timing me!”
“Is this the first time since you patched up?” I asked but Jessica shook her head.
“My classmates saw him with another girl once, before this. And after that, he was with a different one.” Jessica buried her face into the sofa. “Why won’t he stop hurting me? Why is it that every guy always hurts me?”
I wanted to tell her then and there about my feelings. I wanted to tell her that I would be the last person on earth who would hurt her. I wanted to confess about how much I loved her. But I couldn’t. My throat choked up. I was an absolute coward.
Jessica threw herself into my arms and sobbed pitifully. I stroked her hair to comfort her. I promised myself that the next time I saw James; I would punch him in the face. He had promised not to hurt Jessica.
I comforted her like how an older brother would comfort his little sister. I gave her advices like breaking up with James and just forget him. It was a selfish thing to do on my part. I wanted her to forget him so that I could have a chance again. She cried endlessly and no matter what I said, she wouldn’t stop crying. In the end, she cried herself to sleep.
This time, Jessica broke up with James for good. No matter what excuses James made, Jessica was firm in leaving him. She even threw away the bracelet James had given her. Even so, Jessica still felt sad and would cry over James. And I was always there to lend her my shoulder.
I knew that she was grateful to me for being there whenever she needed me. I knew that she looked up to me as a friend and a brother, but nothing else. I also knew that she would never like me. And I was right. I caught her out with some guy some months later. Since then, we never exchanged a word with each other.
Her new boyfriend’s name was Brad. He was not as good-looking as James though but I could tell that Jessica was extremely happy with her newfound happiness. I had to admit that she and Brad made a great couple although it hurt deeply to see her so happy while I was all alone.
I was at the supermarket one afternoon, shopping for some stuff. I bumped into Jessica at the frozen food aisle. We did not exactly collided, like we did on the first day of school. I was standing at the end of the aisle and she was at the other end. We sort of looked up and saw each other at the same time. She smiled and we walked towards each other.
“Hey, how are you doing?”
“Great.” I lied. “What about you?”
“I’m alright actually.” She nodded to the frozen food. “Shopping?”
“For my mom. But I’ll be throwing in some stuff for myself.” I laughed and turned to the aisle. I picked out a box of chocolate cake. “You want this?” Jessica shook her head. I was about to reach out for another item when Jessica caught my hand.
“Listen, I need to tell you something.” She released her grip. ”I’m sorry for not speaking to you for so long.”
“It’s okay.” I shrugged and went to look at the other frozen items, walking away from her in the process. She followed me.
“It’s not okay! I know you’re angry at me for abandoning you when I had Brad. But I just wanna tell you. You’re still my best friend. There is nobody else who is as nice to me as you are. “Jessica smiled faintly. “That night I cried at your house, thank you for being there. Thanks for everything, really.” Jessica smiled and then hugged me. I wanted to tell her to stop thanking me. I hadn’t done anything at all. But instead, I smiled.
“Whatever for? I didn’t do anything.”
Jessica tried to make up to me by staying by my side. I told her that she didn’t have to stick to me. But she refused to leave me. We would go to and from school together everyday and do everything together. Soon, rumours were going around the school that Jessica was two-timing Brad, even though there was nothing between us.
I suppose Brad got jealous with my being close to Jessica because he confronted me in the school garden one day with Jessica. Seymour was with me and we watched Brad march towards us. Brad pointed a finger at my face.
“You…better stay away from Jess.” He snarled at me. Jessica pushed his finger down.
“Leave him alone. He’s my best friend and there’s nothing between us.” She stood between me and Brad.
Brad pushed Jessica aside and pointed his finger at me again. I saw Seymour clench his fists, as if fighting the urge to snap that finger into two.
“Stay away from her or I’ll break your neck.” He threatened menacingly. I rolled my eyes.
“You can’t stop friends from meeting each other.” I told him. “Don’t you trust her?” Jessica shot a look at me, as if to silence me. I enjoyed the effect of my words, Brad’s face turned red.
He took a step towards me and seized my neck. Jessica screamed and pulled his arm but he was too strong. His grip around my neck tightened. Seymour seized his hand and pushed him back. Brad fell backwards. Instead of going to her boyfriend, Jessica went to me.
“Are you okay, Mike?” She touched my neck gently.
Brad stood up and charged at me. He pushed Jessica aside and grabbed me by the collar. He drew his hand for a punch. I saw Seymour charging towards me to help and heard Jessica crying, shouting at Brad to stop.
I caught a blur of a fist at the corner of my left eye. It hit me squarely on the nose. I dropped to my knees, blood spurting over my hands. Jessica screamed and started to run to me but Brad pulled her back.
“Take that as a warning!” He laughed evilly and dragged Jessica away.
A week later, I heard that Jessica had broken up with Brad. She told me that he was too violent and she couldn’t forgive him for punching me. It felt good that she cared about me.
It had been a hot afternoon and I was on my way home. I fanned myself with a file as I walked under the sun, beats of sweat trickling down the sides of my face. All of a sudden, someone or something covered my eyes. I pulled away and turned, surprised to see Jessica.
“I thought it was a ghost.” I chuckled. She giggled.
“There are no ghosts in the day. Here, take this.” She handed me a pink envelope that was addressed to me. I eyed the envelop suspiciously and turned it over, examining it to check for clues.
“Open it already!” She said impatiently. I opened. Inside was a piece of pink paper that had roses as the border. I glanced at the message in the middle:

I invite you, Michael Olson, to my birthday party this Saturday, 4 pm at my house. Please bring along this card for verification. My address is 211 Middle Street, Building No.9.

“It’s your birthday?!” I was surprised. She never told me her birth date, probably because I never asked.
“I hope you’ll come. You will, right?” Jessica looked expectant for my answer. I nodded.
“Of course! Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Excellent! Thanks!” She gave me a peck on the cheek and skipped away. “See you on Saturday!”
I had only two days to get her a present. That was no problem. I knew what she liked. On the Saturday of Jessica’s birthday, I turned up at her party late. Many guests had already arrived. I could not find Jessica so I guessed that she was getting herself ready.
I was standing, drinking fruit punch with Seymour when all the guests went ‘Woo!’ and ’Wow!’ towards the stairs. Seymour was gaping at an object behind me. I turned and saw Jessica standing at the top landing of the staircase. She was wearing a long, white strapless dress, matched with a white flower at the corner of her left ear. Her hair had wavy curls at the bottom and she had a radiant smile on her face.
She looked even more beautiful than a princess. She walked down the steps gracefully, smiling at everyone. As soon as she reached the bottom of the stairs, girls began crowding around her, telling her how beautiful she looked.
When a slow song came on, James appeared and took her in his arms. I was surprised that she accepted the dance. I watched them dance around the hall, staring at Jessica’s happy face, at her beautiful eyes, her radiant smile. The party went on, with Jessica dancing with anyone who asked for a dance, except for me. Jessica laughed when Seymour danced with her. He winked at me when his dance with her ended. I knew what he meant. He wanted me to ask her to dance.
Jessica was chatting with a group of her friends when I appeared at her side. She beamed happily at me.
“Michael, thanks for coming!”
“Uh…Would you…” I stuttered. Then I caught sight of Seymour a few feet behind Jessica. He was mouthing something to me. “Would you like a punch?”
“Huh?” Jessica raised her eyebrows.
“I mean, a dance.” I cursed myself for saying the wrong thing. “A dance.” A slow song was coming on and it was a perfect moment for a dance. She smiled at me and accepted my arm. We swayed throughout the whole song, her head resting on my shoulder and my arms around her waist, without saying a word.
The song ended without me even realizing it. When she pulled away, she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and thanked me for the dance. Before she could walk away, I grabbed her arm. She stopped and turned to me, surprised.
“Don’t you want your present?” I asked her.
“Meet me out on the porch in five minutes.” She replied, not answering my question. I had difficulty getting out to the porch as there were many people obstructing my way to the front door. Jessica was already there when I arrived, staring up at the stars in the dark sky. There was no one around.
“So where’s my present?” She asked as I started to search my pockets for her present. It took two days to complete it.
“Here,” I handed her the tiny box. She smiled at me. “Sorry for the size.”
“It’s okay.” She opened it and gasped. Inside was a silver necklace that had ‘Jessica’ engraved on a thin, heart-shaped pendant. “Mike, thank you.”
“That’s not all. Turn it over.” I instructed. Jessica did as told and gasped again. This time, were the words ‘I Love You’.
“Michael,” She whispered, looking up at me. I did not look away neither did I avoid her eyes.
“It’s true. I love you, Jessica. Since the very first time we met. There is no way I could tell you without doing this.” I smiled. I was going to be rejected. But it did not matter. I would lose her but not my love. I could love her from afar, never exchanging a word with her ever again.
I waited patiently for her reply. She was staring down at the three words, either admiring them or thinking whether to throw them at my face. I saw a tear drop on the word ‘Love’. I frowned in confusion. She looked up and threw her arms around me. I stepped back in ultimate surprise.
“Michael! What took you so long to say that? I waited such a long time! I love you too!” She cried, her body shaking against mine.
“I thought you would never like me.” I replied, not touching her. “It was enough being your friend, rather than being your enemy.”
“If you had told me sooner, Brad would never have come along. I would never have a best friend. I would be having a boyfriend, who would have been you.” Jessica released me. I took a moment to swallow everything she had said. She liked me. And all the while, I had been too cowardly to confess, when all along she would have accepted me.
I wiped her tears away and realized that they were tears of happiness. I stroked her cheek and lowered my face. Jessica shut her eyes and raised her own face.
My first kiss. My first love.