Felyn clutched her notebook to her chest. Nicholas stood before her, with his hands in his pockets. Felyn had never felt so nervous in her entire life. Nicholas looked curiously at her, wondering what is it she wanted to say that was so important. Felyn pushed back her long, brown hair and looked up at Nicholas.
“Nicholas…I…” She stuttered. Nicholas smiled at her.
“Hey, speak your mind. Is something bothering you?” His eyebrows furrowed with concern.
“No, it’s just….I… Nicholas, I like you!” Felyn blurted. Nicholas appeared to be shocked at her words. “I’ve liked you since the first time we met.”
Nicholas stared at Felyn as if she had just gone crazy. Felyn hung her head, not wanting to look at Nicholas in the eye. She feared what he was going to say. Those words of rejection. Felyn felt a tear making its way down her left cheek.
“I like you too. But not in that way. I’m sorry.” Nicholas patted Felyn’s head lightly and turned to walk away. Felyn stood by herself in the deserted hallway, watching Nicholas’s retreating back.
She had thought that Nicholas liked her, that was why she had decided to confess her feelings to him. She didn’t expect him to reject her.
He had always been so friendly to her, sitting with her in class before lessons start to chat or hanging out together during recess. He had given off signs that, to her, meant that he liked her. She must have misinterpreted the signs.
Sadly, Felyn knelt and opened her notebook. She took out a pen and, with tears trickling down her cheeks, wrote an entry. The very last entry. The whole page soon became tearstained. After finishing the entry, Felyn buried her face in her hands and wept.
Felyn felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up. Her best friend, Natalie, smiled sadly down at her. Felyn‘s body was trembling slightly. Natalie wrapped her arms around the shaking Felyn, in an attempt to comfort her.

“He never liked me. I was just making a fool of myself.” Felyn whimpered. Natalie hugged Felyn for what seemed like a long time before Felyn finally calmed down and stopped crying.
Felyn sighed deeply. She had always been rejected by the guys she had fallen in love with. Not counting Nicholas, she had already been rejected twice. She couldn’t understand why the guys didn’t like her at all. She wasn’t that bad looking. She had medium-length brown hair, that was always tied up into a ponytail, and hazel green eyes. Though she was thin, she was always active in sport
Nicholas was of the same age as her and had remained as her crush for seven months running. He was not as good-looking as the popular guys, but he was kind-hearted. He was always helping Felyn in her schoolwork. Nicholas didn’t mind what others said about him being close to a girl. There were even rumours that they were dating each other but Nicholas ignored them. He was friendly and very easygoing, always ready to lend a helping hand. That was the reason why Felyn fell in love with him.
“Natalie, take this and keep it with you.” Felyn handed Natalie her notebook.
“A diary?” Natalie asked, examining the notebook closely.
“Yeah, kind of. All about Nicholas inside. You can read it, if you want to. But just keep it safe. When the right time comes, give it to Nicholas.” Felyn instructed.
“Why can’t you give it to him yourself?” Natalie asked curiously, flipping through the pages and glancing down a page or two.
“Because I have the feeling I won’t have the chance to.” Felyn answered softly.
“Didn’t catch that, what?”
“Nothing.” Felyn bade Natalie goodbye and walked away.
It was a warm afternoon as Felyn walked home. She was thinking about the rejection when she suddenly had flashbacks of the moments she had spent with Nicholas.

They had gone fishing once together, cycling and then picnicking. They had studied for examinations together. Nicholas would always lend a listening ear to Felyn, she would also do the same to him. In fact, Nicholas was almost like a best friend; he was always there when she needed him. Only, she fell in love with him before he was even her friend.
Felyn remembered one particular conversation she had with Nicholas. They had been discussing about their future and what their plans were.
“When I’ve found a stable job and earned enough money, I want to go backpacking with my friends. That includes you!” Nicholas had said cheerfully. Felyn’s heart was bursting with happiness when he said that.
“Really? Me?” She had exclaimed.
“Yeah.. You’ll be the first person I’ll invite.” And with that, he smiled that glorious smile of his.
Felyn smiled at the thought of the conversation as she crossed the road. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a car was heading towards her at top speed. Felyn was unaware of the oncoming car and by the time her attention was drawn to it, it was too late. The car hit her and crashed into a tree. Felyn lay on the road, a smile still upon her face, her head bleeding profusely as she had hit the windshield of the car. The last thing she saw before closing her eyes was Nicholas’s happy face…

Natalie panted heavily as she sprinted towards the hospital. Her heart was racing as she remembered that phone call earlier. Felyn’s mother had called to say that Felyn was involved in an accident and was, right now, in coma. Natalie had promised herself that she wouldn’t cry until she saw Felyn. Whether or not Felyn was really….
“Felyn!” Natalie burst into ICU room number 3.

Natalie saw the familiar faces of Mr. and Mrs. Evans, Felyn’s parents, weeping. On the hospital bed lay a limp body whose head, arms and legs were bandaged, a maze of tubes surrounding her. A respirator was covering her mouth. Wires were taped to her chest and head leading to various monitors that hummed and beeped around her. Her face was pale, her eyes were shut and her lips were pressed together tightly. Felyn looked terrible.
“Felyn!” Natalie cried as she threw herself on the unconscious body.
Behind her, Mrs. Evans choked on a sob as Natalie wept uncontrollably by Felyn’s side. Natalie couldn’t believe it. How could someone like Felyn meet with an accident just after being rejected? How could someone as kind and as compassionate as her be lying on this bed? Natalie thought it wasn’t fair to Felyn. Felyn had always been helping others with kindness; friends and strangers alike. People liked her because of her kind heart.
For the rest of the day, Natalie sat by Felyn’s side, watching her and praying that she would open her eyes. Night fell and Natalie reluctantly left Felyn’s side. Mrs. Evans promised that should Felyn stir, she would contact Natalie immediately.
As soon as Natalie entered school the next day, she was bombarded with questions from anyone who had heard about Felyn’s accident. Natalie was too tired to answer the questions because she had not slept a wink the previous night. Instead, she walked away from the crowd, towards her classroom. A flash of dark brown hair caught her attention. Natalie raced after it.
“Nicholas!!!” Natalie screamed, running breathlessly after him. The boy stopped running at the sound of his name and turned, surprised. Then he smiled.

“Hey, what’s up?”
“Did you hear? About Felyn?” Natalie asked, as she tried to catch her breath.
“No, what about her?”
“What the hell?! How can you not know?! She met with an accident yesterday!! She’s in hospital now!!” Natalie screamed.
Nicholas’s eyes widened with shock. Perhaps he really didn’t know. Perhaps he had just arrived and had not heard the news yet.
“She’s in coma,” Natalie whispered sadly. “fighting for her life. Will you come with me after school to visit her? Maybe if you came, she might wake up.”
“Do I have to go?” Nicholas asked, his expression had turned into something that Natalie couldn’t read. He didn’t look sad, neither was he happy.
“If you think sacrificing your time for someone like her is not worth it, think again. She has been so nice to you! How could you…” Natalie hadn’t finish her sentence yet but Nicholas simply walked away. “Why did she fall for someone like you??!! JERK!!!!”
Natalie arrived at the hospital with a group of friends who had come to visit Felyn, though she may not know it. As they stood outside the ICU room, they heard Mrs. Evans call out Felyn’s name.
“Felyn…Can you hear me? She’s moving! Her eyes are moving! Get the doctor, someone, please!!”
Natalie burst into the room and rushed to Felyn’s side. Indeed, Felyn’s eyes were moving slightly. Natalie grabbed Felyn’s left hand and held it tight. One of Natalie’s friends went off to get the doctor.
“Felyn? Can you hear me? It’s me, Natalie.” There was no response. It was as if Felyn was dead. Natalie couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. Her boyfriend, Gerard, patted her shoulder and told her to pull herself together. An hour or so passed, one by one, Felyn’s visitors left as it was getting late. Only Gerard and Natalie remained. Mr. and Mrs. Evans were both having dinner at the hospital cafeteria downstairs.
Natalie was sitting on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. Nicholas never turned up. She was beside herself with fury. Didn’t Nicholas treasured his friendship with Felyn at all? She was forced to leave that question unanswered.
Natalie’s mind wandered off. She remembered the day she first met with Felyn. It was during homeroom period on the first day of school. Natalie had transferred schools and didn’t know anyone in Caldecott High. She was sitting alone in a corner of the classroom when Felyn sat at the table next to her.
“Hi, I’m Felyn. Are you new?”
“Yeah, I transferred schools. My name’s Natalie.”
“I hope we can be friends, yeah.”
Felyn had smiled so radiantly at her that Natalie immediately took a liking to her. Her smile was so warm and sincere.
“Oh? You don’t know how to do this sum?” Felyn had bent over to Natalie’s table.
“Yeah, do you know how to?”
“Yeah. Let me show you….”
Since then, Felyn was always lending Natalie a helping hand. She didn’t care about herself at all, what seemed to matter most was the welfare of those around her. That was how Felyn and Natalie became best friends. It was thanks to Felyn that Natalie met Gerard. Felyn had introduced Gerard to her. It must have been love at first sight because the moment Felyn’s back was turned, Gerard asked Natalie out.
Natalie didn’t know how to thank Felyn for letting her meet Gerard. Felyn often brushed off Natalie’s question on how she could repay Felyn for bringing Gerard and her together. Then Nicholas came in the picture. Felyn was so happy in Nicholas’s company and Natalie felt that she deserved it as a reward for all her kindness. Little did Natalie know that Nicholas would reject her, after all the times they had both spent together.
“Hey, Natalie,” Gerard shook her, snapping her out of her thoughts. “come, look.”
Natalie followed Gerard to the bed upon which Felyn lay perfectly still and silent. Natalie’s hand flew to her face in shock. Felyn’s eyes were half-opened and her fingers were moving slightly, though her hand was pinned down by thin IV tubes. Natalie bent over Felyn, crying tears of happiness that Felyn had finally woken up.
“Nic..Nicholas…” Felyn seemed to have difficulty speaking. “Nicholas…The book…”
“Felyn? It’s Natalie.” Natalie frowned slightly for not being recognized by her best friend.
“The book…Nicholas…” Felyn gasped before falling back into unconsciousness.
Natalie pondered over her best friend’s words. It was obvious how badly Felyn wanted to see Nicholas. But the book….
“What book?” Natalie wondered out loud as she walked home. Then, she was suddenly reminded of the book Felyn gave her. “Oh my god, that book…”
Natalie hurried into her house to search her room for the notebook but she couldn’t find it anywhere. Desperately, Natalie threw herself onto her bed. That was when she saw it. The sky blue notebook was tucked under a stack of books. Two days ago, Felyn had requested for the notebook to reach Nicholas when the right time came. Felyn must have known, then, that something would happen to her. That was why she entrusted Natalie with the notebook.
Natalie opened it and began reading. There were many entries, most of it with a light and happy tone. As Natalie turned the pages, she began crying. Felyn had mentioned Natalie too.
“She was the best friend I could ever have. Though I’ve not confided many things besides Nicholas to her, she was the one person I trusted most in the world, even though I had just met her at the beginning of this year. I cannot think of anyone else I’d rather have as my best friend other than her. I hope that we’ll still be best friends in our next lives.”
The last entry was what had torn Natalie’s heart apart. She closed the book and cried endlessly, the tears wetting the cover of the notebook. Natalie placed the book in her bag, resolving to pass it to Nicholas the next day.
It was during English lesson that Natalie received a call from the hospital. She figured it must be Mrs. Evans, informing her that Felyn had woken up. Natalie took the phone from the General Office counter.
“Hello?”
“Natalie…Felyn…She…She had a head injury.” Mrs. Evans sobbed at the sound of Natalie’s voice. “But the doctors overlooked it.”
“What??!! How?” Natalie clutched her heart that had almost stopped beating when she heard the terrible news.
“I don’t know. They’re operating on her now. The chances of success is….is….”
“What? Mrs. Evans, what?” Natalie felt a jolt of panic running through her veins.
“Twenty percent.”
Natalie slammed the phone down and rushed to her classroom. She grabbed her bag and, without even telling the teacher where she was going, ran out of the classroom again. She ran as fast as she could to Nicholas’s Enriched Math class. She searched the class frantically for Nicholas and saw him. He was stunned to see Natalie standing at the classroom doorway. Natalie strode over to him and grabbed his arm, pulling him out of the classroom.
“Natalie…What are you doing?” Nicholas breaking free of Natalie’s grasp.
“Just follow me, please.” Natalie said.
“Why should I?”
At these three words, Natalie punched hard at Nicholas’s chest. Nicholas staggered back, wincing at the pain in his chest.
“It’s your fault Felyn is in hospital. She must have been thinking about the rejection too much that she forgot to look out at the road.” Natalie screamed and her voice echoed down the deserted hallway. “It’s thanks to her that you are what you are now. It’s thanks to her you’ve got friends. You would still remain a nerd if it weren’t for her.”
“I know. I owe it to her.” Nicholas’s face softened and he turned to walk away. Natalie dropped to her knees.
“Nicholas…” She whispered and he turned to her. “please, I beg you, you have to come to the hospital with me. Time is not our friend now. We could lose Felyn any moment. But please, I want her to see you for the last time. Please, Nicholas, please, I beg of you.”
Nicholas went to Natalie and helped her to stand. Natalie was crying, clutching her chest. Nicholas looked at her seriously.
“Fine, I’ll go.”
They hailed a taxi and sped towards the hospital. Mr. Evans met them at the entrance of the hospital and led them to the operation theatre where Felyn was undergoing the operation. Mr. Evans explained how the X-ray machine had been spoiled and how it showed that Felyn’s brain was fine. But that morning, when the machine was fixed and they checked again, they found that part of her brain had been damaged due to the impact of the head on the windshield of the car.
A few hours passed and a doctor finally went out of the theatre. Felyn’s parents, Natalie and Nicholas rushed to the doctor, asking about Felyn’s condition.
“She is out of danger but has lost a great amount of blood. She is currently unconscious. Let us hope for the best. We will be moving her into her ward soon.” The doctor excused himself and walked away.
A while later, the four of them were back in ICU room 3, staring at Felyn’s motionless body and the tubes that were pumping blood into her veins. Natalie was sobbing silently, watching the irregular rise and fall of Felyn’s chest. Nicholas’s face was grim and he looked regretfully at Felyn, the weight of being blamed for her state on his mind.


“He’s here…He’s here…I can feel him. His presence. I can smell his scent. He’s here…I need to wake up. I have to see him. Nicholas, where are you?” Felyn screamed into the darkness. Slowly and painfully, Felyn opened her eyes. She blinked in the bright light at first before looking around, though her head throbbed when she moved slightly.
Felyn saw Nicholas sitting on her right, her blue notebook in his hand. His features softened as he read the notebook. Felyn smiled with difficulty as she watched Nicholas shake his head at a certain entry. She turned to her other side and saw Natalie sitting on the sofa with Gerard’s protective arm around her. Felyn chuckled softly, because they looked quite comfortable. Nicholas looked up at the sound of her chuckle.
“You’re awake?” He whispered, putting aside the notebook.
“Seems you got the notebook.” Felyn whispered, not answering the question.
“Felyn?” Natalie called softly, walking to the bed.. “You’re awake?”
“Then what do you think my eyes are open for, huh?” Felyn chuckled as she saw Natalie’s surprised face. “Just kidding.”
“How do you feel?” Gerard asked.
“I feel faint. What happened?” Felyn glanced down at the tubes taped to her body and the tube that was feeding a red liquid into her body. “Is that blood?”
“I think so. You got hit by a car.” Natalie forced a sob back, not wanting to make Felyn worry about her.
“How’s the driver?”
“How can you worry about him at a time like this?” Natalie asked, annoyed.
Felyn kept silent and closed her eyes. Her body parts hurt especially the hand that had the tube with the red liquid. She was suddenly aware that Nicholas was watching her. She suddenly wished that she was invisible, she hated him to see her wrapped in white and surrounded by the network of tubes and machines.
“It feels like it’s been a year since I last saw you guys.” Felyn sighed, opening her eyes to look around at Natalie, Gerard and Nicholas. “Where’s my parents?”
“I told them to go home and rest. We volunteered to stay by your side.” Natalie replied and took Felyn’s hand.
“Ow, ow, ouch!” Felyn cried. Natalie immediately released her hand, alarmed, and Felyn smiled. “Just kidding.”
“Oh, Felyn. Please get well soon. We all want you back. Look,” Natalie took out an A4 sized card and showed it to Felyn. “They’re get well messages from everyone in school.”
Felyn’s eyes brimmed with tears as she looked at the colourful messages on the card. Even her teachers had signed on the card. She was touched that there were people who cared for her.
“I don’t think I can hold out anymore, guys. It’s painful.” Felyn whispered hollowly and Natalie covered her own mouth to muffle her sobs. “Don’t worry. It won’t be too soon.”
“Felyn…” Natalie said before bursting into tears and running out of the room. Gerard followed her and that left Nicholas and Felyn alone in the room.
Nicholas seemed to not know what to say. He reached for the blue notebook and quietly read. Felyn noticed that he had only read half of the book. She saw a smile flicker across his face. She suddenly had an idea.
“Nicholas…” He looked up at the sound of his name. “Can you do something for me?”
“Sure, anything.”
“Please read that out aloud. From the first entry to the last.”


Nicholas was obliged to follow Felyn’s request. He worried it to be her last. He obediently turned to the first page.
“March 13. I think I’m in love with Nicholas. With him, I feel so at home. With him, I feel so happy. I feel like I could fly in the clouds. No one has ever made me feel this way. Only him.”
Nicholas saw Felyn smile. He smiled too, touched with how she felt about him. Felyn was smiling at every March entry.
“April 7. Nicholas told me that when he has a stable job, he would earn enough money to go backpacking with his friends. He said I was the first person he’ll invite. I was so happy when he said that. I think he might like me. There is a possibility he might.”
Felyn chuckled but the chuckle turned into a cough. Nicholas knew she was embarrassed about what she said.
“June 10. I went cycling with Nicholas today. It was so fun. We cycled to the beach and sat under a tree for a picnic. Then Nicholas bought a kite and we flew it together on a wide open field. It was a really memorable day. Nicholas was all smiles and he was laughing so much.”
All the June entries were about activities that they both did together. Outdoor activities, indoor activities and the such.
“June 30. School reopened today. I introduced Nicholas to Daniel. I don’t mind that Nicholas is a geek. Well, look at him. He comes to school in a blouse and pants everyday and always the same outfit. I thought Daniel might succeed in changing his looks. But I hope his attitude doesn’t change as well.”
“June 31. Nicholas was so handsome today! He was dressed in a long-sleeved shirt but the sleeves were folded till his elbow. He was wearing jeans and Converse sneakers. He had styled his hair into a Mohawk and he was so handsome. I must remember to thank Daniel.”
“July 12. Nicholas has made a lot of friends. I introduced most of them to him. I’m glad he has opened up to people. He always keeps to himself like a frightened puppy. So I’m glad that he has made some friends. And they seem to like him too. I’m so happy for him.”
Nicholas glanced up at Felyn whose eyes were half-closed but her lips were formed in a wide smile. Nicholas wanted to thank Felyn but decided against it. He would do that later.
“July 16. Nicholas hasn’t talked to me for days. He has been so busy, hanging out with his new friends. When I asked if he wanted to have lunch with me today, he said he was busy. But I saw him playing basketball with his friends. He has grown very handsome now and girls are following him everywhere now...”
The rest of the July entries were how Nicholas had changed in his attitude and how jealous Felyn felt when she saw other girls by his side.
“August 8. Nicholas walked home with me today. He’s now back to his normal self. I’m so glad. We rescued a frightened kitten from a tree in the park. We were walking past the tree when I heard mewing. I looked up and saw a grey kitten holding on to a branch. Nicholas climbed the tree while I stood below the kitten in case it fell. The day we both were heroes. Haha.”
Nicholas recounted back to that particular day. He had lost his balance while on the branch, making it shake. The kitten slipped and fell but Felyn caught it at the bottom.
“September 3. Nicholas was the first to wish me a happy birthday today. I was so happy. He gave me a grey kitten plush toy whose name was ‘Nicky’. I teased Nicholas and called him ‘Nicky’ from then on. When he dropped me home after school, he kissed my forehead. This is the best birthday ever.”
Nicholas read steadily, occasionally glancing up to see Felyn’s reaction. Some entries she would chuckle and some she would smile. The monitor nearby beeped but Nicholas ignored it.
“September 23. I have this weird feeling. I don’t know what. It just felt like something bad would happen to me. This feeling was with me since this morning.”
BEEP.
“October 3. I will confess to Nicholas tomorrow. I will meet him after school and then, I will tell him how I feel about him. Hopefully he would too. He has been so close to me, I’m sure he should have the tiniest bit of feeling for me. We’ve gone through so much together after all.”
The monitor beeped again and Nicholas looked up irritably at it. There were green jagged lines across the screen but Nicholas didn’t understand what they meant.
“Continue, Nicholas.” Felyn whispered faintly. Her eyes were closed. Nicholas looked back at the notebook. It was the last entry now.
“October 4. My love has gone forever. He walked away from me. He went, without once looking back at me. I am heartbroken but I don’t blame him. Because I love him very, very much. He will be the last person I love. Goodbye, Nicholas. You’ve always been in my heart. But I was never in yours. Still, I love you.”
BEEEEEEEP.
Nicholas glanced at Felyn and she looked back at him. She smiled faintly and he smiled back. Nicholas stood up and kissed her lips. When he drew apart, Nicholas saw Felyn’s mouth shape into the words, ‘Thank you and goodbye…’
The door burst open. Doctors and nurses entered and surrounded Felyn. A nurse pushed Nicholas out of the room. For a brief moment, Nicholas saw Felyn wave her fingers at him. Then the nurse closed the door. Nicholas held the notebook close to his chest. He had no idea what happened but this notebook had changed his life. His life used to mean gathering knowledge to build a future for himself. His girlfriends were his textbooks. He studied everyday and did nothing else.
But meeting Felyn had made him experience new things. He had experienced happiness, sadness and love. He was happy being with Felyn. He was happy at having new friends. He was sad when he didn’t talk to Felyn for those few days. He was sad when he lied to Felyn but he managed to make up for it. And he felt loved. He could feel Felyn’s strong love for him.
A doctor came out of the room twenty minutes later and sadly shook his head at Nicholas. Felyn had lost too much blood. Natalie gasped and fainted. Nicholas didn’t understand how….He pushed past the doctor and entered the room, just in time to see Felyn’s face for the last time before the nurse covered her with a white cloth. Felyn’s face showed contentment and Nicholas knew that she had left peacefully. He stood before Felyn and cried tears of sorrow and regret.


“Goodbye everyone. I’m sorry for not trying to hang on to my life. I’m satisfied with what I’ve done throughout my 16 years in this world. Therefore, my life will not end in vain. I’m sorry Mom and Dad, for leaving without a last goodbye. I thank you both for bringing me into this world. I love you two very much. Natalie, you are indeed my true friend. I thank you for all the memories we shared. I hope you’ll have everlasting bliss with Gerard. I haven’t seen much in this world but I’ve felt much. One of them is love. Nicholas, I don’t blame you for rejecting me. And it’s not your fault that I met with this accident that caused me to lose my life. You were the best person I’ve been in love with. If I had a choice, I would still choose to be in love with you should there be a next life. To anyone I didn’t mention, thank you for everything. Goodbye.”
Nicholas gripped the piece of paper in his hands tightly. These were Felyn’s last words. While she lay on the hospital bed, gasping for breath, she had requested for the doctor to write down her last words. A few hours after Felyn departed, the doctor had given Nicholas the same piece of paper Nicholas was holding and had told him to read out to everyone during Felyn’s burial.
Natalie, Gerard and Nicholas were the last to leave the cemetery. Nicholas stood before Felyn’s grave, staring at the beautiful engraving of her name. In one hand, he held the notebook, in the other, he clutched a red rose. Natalie and Gerard walked away after placing their roses on Felyn’s tombstone.
“I guess I was too late,” Nicholas whispered as he placed his red rose between the two white roses. “When I read your diary many times over, I do realize that I love you too. I’m sorry for not being able to tell you. I regret not telling you and this feeling will be with me for the rest of my life. Goodbye, Felyn. I’ll always remember you. Maybe someday, we’ll meet again and this time, we’ll be given the chance to love each other.”